


shines like gold

by accioxmarauders



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexual Sirius Black, Awkward Sexual Situations, Established Relationship, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, HP Ace Fest 2020, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, POV Sirius Black, Panic Attacks, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin is a Good Boyfriend, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, panic attack during sex, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 07:27:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26848156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accioxmarauders/pseuds/accioxmarauders
Summary: “I love you so much, you know that, right?” Remus whispered, closing his eyes, leaning his forehead against Sirius’ temple, his thumb caressing his cheek idly, here, here,here. Sirius felt the tightness in his throat intensify, but he still swallowed it away.“I love you too, Re, so fucking much,” he managed, letting his eyes fall shut too, his arms coming up to hold Remus tightly against his chest.Stay, stay here, stay with me,he thought, over and over, his own personal mantra.Please stay.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 145
Collections: Harry Potter Ace Fest 2020





	1. part i - prologue

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so this is the first fic I have ever posted and I'm fucking terrified :)
> 
> due to the fact that I tend to leave everything to the last possible minute, this is unbeta'd, so if you feel like there's any mistakes feel free to reach out. also, I'm not ace. I did as much research as I could but there could still be a lot of mistakes there too. 
> 
> this was written for the HP Ace Fest 2020, I enjoyed writing it very much, thank you to the people that created it!
> 
> Prompt no: 23  
> Warnings: NSFW  
> Remus and Sirius are getting hot and heavy when Sirius starts getting visibly upset, which leads to him coming out as asexual to Remus.
> 
> Additional warnings: panic attack, panic attack during sex, self loathing, self deprecating thoughts.
> 
> please take care of yourself!
> 
> & I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @[accioxmarauders](http://accioxmarauders.tumblr.com/)

_Show me_   
_the most damaged_   
_parts of your soul,_   
_and I will show you_   
_how it still shines like gold._

-Nikita Gill

* * *

Sirius loved Remus. The way he saw it, Remus was incapable of doing anything wrong, incapable of doing any harm, and Sirius would follow him everywhere. 

Not that he would tell Remus this. He would just deny it and tell Sirius he was  _ barking mad _ ,  _ everyone has flaws, perfect doesn’t exist _ , and all that string of utter  _ nonsense _ that didn’t apply to him. Remus wasn’t everyone. Remus was  _ Remus _ , and Remus was incapable of doing anything wrong.

Besides, Sirius had known Remus for nearly eight years now, and had roomed with him, James, and Peter for most of that time, so he was a well-suited judge of character, wasn’t he? Even when he wasn’t aware of it, he often found himself watching Remus. He watched Remus as he would watch the finest piece of art in the world, studied him, his mannerisms, his mind. Sirius would be lying if he said he didn’t have a corner of his brain dedicated to his study of the younger boy. Every new piece of information he discovered, he cherished and would spend days analyzing.

Remus was kind. He regarded every one with the same charitable demeanor, always willing to help, always patient, always  _ Remus _ . Sirius was in awe of him every time he was lucky enough to witness Remus helping someone out. True, they were always together, so Sirius considered himself lucky more often than not. Remus was kind, and Sirius loved that about him.

But kind wasn’t the only thing Remus was. Remus was one fucking funny bloke. Not even James could make Sirius laugh the way Remus did. He usually reserved his particular brand of dry humor only for the four of them; and Sirius cherished that side of him all the more for it. It wasn’t a rare occurrence to find James, Peter, and Sirius cackling loudly, barely breathing, with a smirking Remus nearby, having just deadpanned some witty, sarcastic comment without batting an eye.

It took Remus not talking to him for almost two months for Sirius to realize  _ why _ he was so adamant about studying the boy. 

Nearing the end of fifth year, Sirius had fucked up. He was in a dark place then, newly disowned, feeling like a burden to James’ family, and so, so angry. If Sirius was being honest, he barely remembered those days, his brain always,  _ always _ , clouded with some sort of negative emotion he could never pinpoint, not even with help from his therapist. All of it, however impairing it was for Sirius, didn’t justify outing Remus’ recently discovered sexuality to  _ Snivellus _ , out of all people. That cruel, pitiful mistake led to that slimy pile of  _ filth _ publicly shaming Remus in front of the whole school. Almost everyone was supportive, yes, but Remus was understandably  _ furious _ with Sirius and had punched him right on the nose.

Thus Sirius discovered Remus’ forgivingness. 

It took a while, but eventually, Remus started talking to him again. Brief conversations at first, about nothing in particular, James and Peter as a buffer between them. Then came the jokes, which, Sirius realized, were one of the things he had missed the most. And finally, after one exceptionally nasty nightmare, Remus fully gave in. He had laid with Sirius, held him tightly, and coaxed him back to sleep with softly whispered words and comforts. It dawned on him then:  _ he was in love with Remus _ . Remus, who was so kind, and funny, and supportive, and forgiving. Remus, whom he loved talking to, who made him feel  _ safe _ , and cared for, and who was so, so good to everyone.

That was almost three years ago. After quite some time of quiet conversations between the both of them at night, soft, lingering gazes, and a lot of dancing around each other, six months ago Sirius finally snapped and confessed his feelings. Little did he know, Remus- the Remus he had been studying what seemed like their whole lives, the Remus who couldn't do anything wrong,  _ that _ Remus- felt the same. Their relationship from that point on hadn’t changed that much. They were still best friends, Sirius still studied Remus every chance he got and felt even luckier than he did before.

Sirius’ favorite moments, however, were their newly established date nights. On these nights, Sirius would get Remus for hours on end, all to himself, without any distractions. Sirius found that he could be unabashedly himself with Remus. There was no worry about hiding his feelings now, no Blacks to haunt him, only Sirius and Remus, Remus and Sirius, their closeness making Sirius’ world brighter, better. That was, honestly, truly, a terrifying thought sometimes.


	2. part ii

James’ place was nice. Big windows, open spaces, kitchen island kind of nice. It made sense, for a trust fund kid like him, someone whose parents loved  _ so much _ , who didn’t want him to struggle during college, stressing about rent or shitty roommates. It was a good thing Effie and Monty liked to give him his space too, because if it wasn’t for Sirius and Lily coming over so much, the wanker would permanently live surrounded by a mountain of his own filth.

Sirius was currently draped over one end of James’ sofa, after having done what seemed like weeks of his laundry. James had some football game on, one Sirius didn’t give one fuck about, and was crumbling the wrapper of a veggie burger, letting it drop to the floor and ruining all the sweeping Sirius had done upon arriving at James’  _ Castle of Garbage _ .

“Potter, fucking seriously?” Sirius sighed, gesturing wildly to the wrapper without getting up. “You disgust me.”

“The bin is way too far away,” James mumbled, not looking away from the telly. 

“So invest in more bins, you fuck. I’m serious.”

James threw him a smirk at that. “I know. And I’m James.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Sirius rolled his eyes but grinned nonetheless. “You’re as lazy as Remus.”

The fucker had the audacity to shrug carelessly. “How are things with him?” he asked through a sip of his water, and Sirius’ smile widened. James glanced at Sirius from the other end of the couch briefly, before laughing heartily and shifting his gaze back to the telly. “Your face is all the information I need, mate. Glad you’re happy.”

Sirius’ cheeks reddened. “Yeah, he’s… He’s so great, Jamie. I honest-to-god still can’t believe he feels the same.”

“You’re so _ smitten _ ,” James teased, turning to fully face Sirius when the commercials started.

“Yeah, okay, Mr. Lily Evans.”

James kicked lazily at him, missing by a mile. “You can fuck right off.” 

“Sure thing, Jamie-boy.”

James just laughed and shook his head. “Where is he, anyway?” he asked.

“Dunno. Said he had to get some school stuff done and then fetch some things for tonight.” At James’ questioning look, he rolled his eyes with a smile and added, “‘M going to his, apparently he has something special planned that I can’t know about.”

“Ooh,  _ special night _ , huh?” James wiggled his eyebrows weirdly, winking at him. “Lucky bastards. Please, for the love of God, keep it down. Poor Mrs. Figg doesn’t deserve to listen to you  _ punks _ going at it all night, eh?” he cackled, clearly very pleased with himself. As if on cue, Sirius felt a familiar uneasiness creep up his spine, and the uncomfortable, irrational need to bolt out the door.  _ Every fucking time _ , he thought. He tried to appease himself with deep, subtle breaths, huffing what he hoped was a convincing laugh.

“How’s Lily?” He asked, changing the subject. It had the desired effect: James wasted no time and started waxing poetic about his girlfriend, giving Sirius the window he needed to simmer down.

This happened, sometimes. Sirius wasn’t an idiot, he knew sex was something people did, and apparently talked about. He saw it in movies, in books: everything  _ everyone _ did seemingly had sex as an objective, the ultimate holy grail. Sirius didn’t. He didn’t understand this  _ urge _ that overtook people to just  _ fuck _ whatever, whoever; and the assumption that he wanted to do that, that he  _ would _ do that, didn’t sit right with him. 

At first, Sirius had thought that he just hadn’t found someone who appealed to him enough. He could appreciate beautiful people,  _ of course _ he could. He considered himself beautiful too. But then, why did James implying he might have sex with Remus tonight made him feel uncomfortable too? Remus was  _ it _ for him, he knew that much. Maybe he just wasn’t comfortable with talking about it to people, maybe it would be _ okay _ if Remus wanted to have sex with him. It was Remus, after all. Sirius wanted to do anything that made him happy, and Remus wouldn’t do anything that could potentially hurt him, he wouldn’t. Remus didn’t have it in him to be malicious about anything at all. There wasn't  _ ever _ a time when Sirius didn’t feel safe around Remus. Besides, Sirius had liked every touchy-feely, couple-y thing Remus and him had done together. He liked holding Remus’ hand, cuddling with him, kissing him,  _ snogging _ him even. Why would sex be any different? 

He tried to focus back on James, instead of his spiraling thoughts, and sighed.

* * *

A few hours later found Sirius knocking on Remus’ door. Thankfully, James hadn’t mentioned Remus and him having sex again, but Sirius couldn’t shake the subject off of his mind. He just wanted to enjoy his night with Remus, enjoy everything the other boy had planned and forget about everything else, as he often did. But not even Remus’ soft smile as he opened the door could stifle the trepidation he felt pulsing through his every limb. 

“Hey, love,” Remus greeted him. The pet name helped Sirius’ stiff muscles relax a bit, enough that he could smile at his boyfriend and peck him lightly on the lips.

“Hi” he murmured against Remus’ mouth, rounding Remus’ waist tightly with his arms and crouching a little to bury his face on the crook of the shorter man’s neck. Taking a deep breath, Sirius allowed Remus’ familiar scent to lull his racing mind, as Remus’ arms came to rest around his shoulders, pulling him inside and letting the door fall shut.

“Everything okay?” asked Remus, mouth against his hair, placing a kiss there, soft, loving, placating.

“Yeah, long day,” he sighed, pulling away and giving Remus a tired half-smile.

Remus hummed softly and smiled brightly at him, eyes shining with excitement. “I made dinner,” he stated proudly, pulling Sirius by his hands to the tiny table in the kitchen, crowded with lit candles and food- homemade ravioli with tomato sauce, and garlic bread-, making it look smaller than it was.  _ I love him so much _ , Sirius thought. “I know, it’s not really that special, but-”

“No, Re, this is amazing,” Sirius said, mouth watering. “ _ You _ are amazing,” he corrected, pulling Remus back to him and resting their foreheads together.

Remus beamed, and Sirius would have sworn he was an angel. “Feed the strays to keep ‘em coming back, right?” 

Sirius shoved him away, smile intact. “Dickhead. You love me.”

“I do, don’t I?” Remus sighed, feigning regret. “Now, sit.”

Sirius obliged, watching as Remus poured them each a glass of red wine, twisted the bottle when he was done, and failed at preventing a little red drop from trailing down the side of it.

“Ah, never got the hang of that,” he lamented, passing Sirius his glass. Sirius just chuckled, his mood still a little flat from his earlier thoughts, and accepted the glass. Remus sat on the chair next to him, instead of across, and pecked him on the cheek before piling both of their plates with food. 

Eagerly, Sirius shoved a forkful of ravioli in his mouth and moaned. “Remus, oh my God,” he said, mouth still full. “This is so good,” he swallowed. Remus smiled and wordlessly took his hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing it lightly.

The rest of the night was spent like that, between praises and loving looks, Sirius complaining about James’ filth, Remus recounting his day to Sirius, both of them laughing and eating and _ being _ . Sirius’ heart seized up at the simplicity of it all, marveling at how content the other man made him feel, how he already knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life next to Remus, their companionship all-encompassing and heart-warming.

By the time the food was gone and all the dishes were spotless, Sirius had almost forgotten about his previous swirling thoughts. Only when Remus asked him to stay the night did he remember, and just like that his brain started up again, worrying not for the first time about sex and expectations and not knowing whether all of it being with  _ Remus _ made him feel better or worse.

He was spared, however, by the suggestion of sleep. Maybe just by chance; or by Remus being, as always, so automatically perceptive of him, reading him better than he could himself. They were both knackered, he had said, and was out like a light nearly as soon as his head touched the pillow. Sirius soon followed, not before placing a soft kiss on Remus’ forehead, his last thought one of gratefulness and love.

Sirius woke up to the unfamiliar feeling of being spooned. Unfamiliar because, being the taller one of the two, he was used to being the big spoon most of the time. He blinked groggily a couple of times, trying to get his eyes to focus on the glowing numbers displayed on Remus’ nightstand. 6:46 a.m. He groaned quietly and stretched his legs, feeling Remus stir a second later and pull him closer. A soft smile stretched across his lips, and he closed his eyes again, basking in the warmth that surrounded him.

Remus shifted closer then, and Sirius' entire body stiffened as he felt the hard line of Remus’ unconscious arousal against his lower back.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck _ . Carefully, he tried to move his hips forward, away from Remus’, but found it a lost cause, as Remus reflexively followed his movements. Sirius shut his eyes tightly, not wanting to wake Remus up with his fumbling. Slowly, trying to keep his breathing in check, Sirius untangled himself from his boyfriend and slipped silently into the adjoining bathroom, taking a seat on the closed lid of the toilet. 

“Fuck,” he sighed, burying his face in his hands, elbows digging on his thighs. His breathing was coming out shallowly, short puffs of air that made it impossible for him to calm down.

Why was he like this? What was  _ wrong _ with him? Remus wasn’t even  _ doing _ anything, so why did he have to freak out like that? He must have still been upset about the day before, all those thoughts swimming in his brain hadn’t floated away yet, instead lingering on the edges of his mind like flies around rotten food. And that’s what they were, rotten thoughts that did nothing for him except ruin a perfectly good morning with his boyfriend.

He ignored the part of his brain- the one who sounded strangely like his former therapist,- that told him that his feelings had to have some  _ reason _ behind them. He couldn't think about that, because if he did, he’d have to question why being in bed with Remus made him feel that way. Or he’d have to actually  _ talk _ to Remus about those feelings, and he couldn’t, he  _ wouldn't _ , hurt Remus’ feelings like that.

“Sirius?” came Remus’ soft baritone from the other side of the door.

Sirius quickly, but quietly, scrambled up and carefully pulled the toilet lid up before flushing it, hoping Remus didn’t get up before he had a chance to pull himself together. He opened the tap and scrubbed his face harshly, hoping the cool flow of the water would help his flushed state. Looking up at himself in the mirror, droplets of water falling down his face, he grimaced at his state. His eyes still looked a little panicky, and his pale skin had even less color than usual.  _ Get your fucking shit together, Black _ , he told himself, reaching for the towel.

“Hi,” mumbled Remus as soon as he stepped in the room, soft, comfortable,  _ Remus _ . He was sprawled on his bed and looking at Sirius so,  _ so _ fondly.

“Hey, Re,” Sirius rasped, jerking his head towards the door. “Want some tea?” he asked, trying to get a little more time to himself.

“Oh, uhm. Coffee, maybe?” Remus smiled, burying his face deeper into the pillow.

Sirius genuinely smiled at how lovely he was and turned to leave. “Sure, baby.”

Remus murmured a sleepy thank you, and Sirius headed for the kitchen, rubbing his eyes with one hand. He put the kettle on and busied himself with measuring up the pre-ground coffee, dumping it in Remus’ french press. Reaching for the upper cupboards, he grabbed two mugs and poured milk into one- only half of it, for Remus-, sticking it in the microwave for a minute. He sighed and leaned into the counter. Keeping his hands busy always helped when he was feeling anxious. He could hear Remus bustling around in the bathroom and he jumped to get the sugar and spoons, desperate for his boyfriend not to think something was wrong.  _ He must’ve gotten back to bed _ , Sirius thought when there was no sign of him after a few minutes and was horrified to realize he had mixed feelings about that. He should be  _ happy _ to cozy up with his boyfriend in bed, he should  _ want  _ to cuddle,  _ he should, he should, he should _ .

The kettle whistling startled him. Shaking his head, Sirius quickly poured the hot water into the french press and let it sit for a few minutes before pressing the plunger down. Coffee done, filling the flat with its smell, Sirius poured it into both mugs and spooned some sugar into them- two for him, three for Remus’ milky coffee.

“Here you go,” he whispered once he re-entered the bedroom, setting Remus’ mug on the nightstand and sitting down softly on the edge of the bed.

Remus hummed drowsily and raised his head to smile at Sirius, only one eye open. “You’re a blessing,” he said, reaching for the mug and taking a large gulp. He grimaced and set it back down. “And  _ that _ is too hot to drink, ouch,” he pouted. Sirius just chuckled softly, looking forward, out the window. He felt Remus’ hand on his back and unwillingly stiffened.

“You’re so tense, love,” he whispered, his hand rubbing soothing circles over Sirius’ skin. Sirius felt a tightness lodge in his throat, and he didn’t dare speak,  _ so _ sure his voice would betray him. He loved Remus _ so much _ , he  _ wanted _ to be here, here with him, he wanted to stop feeling this way, but his mind just wouldn’t- “C’mere, hey,” Remus’ voice cut off his thoughts, bringing him back, always _ , always,  _ always there for him,  _ with him _ . His arms pulled Sirius’ mug out of his biting grasp and set it down next to Remus’ one, and then he was pulling Sirius down into his arms, his back against the mattress and the other man half on top of him, warm and soft and loving and  _ Remus _ . 

Sirius closed his eyes for a second, reminding himself this was his Remus, his Remus that wouldn’t do him any harm. When he willed his eyes back open he gasped softly at Remus’ piercing gaze on his; strong, heavy,  _ searching _ . Sirius was sure that Remus could see right into his soul. He lifted a hand to Sirius’ face, cupping his cheek, his touch feather-light, soothing, loving. Softly, he stroked his thumb across Sirius’ cheekbone, his amber eyes, golden with the sunlight filtering in the room, never leaving Sirius’ own grey ones. His stare held so much emotion Sirius almost couldn’t hold it, but he  _ had _ to, for Remus, for him, for  _ them _ .

“I love you so much, you know that, right?” Remus whispered, closing his eyes, leaning his forehead against Sirius’ temple, his thumb still caressing idly, here, here, _ here _ . Sirius felt the tightness in his throat intensify, for a whole new reason now, but he still swallowed it away.

“I love you too, Re, so fucking much,” he managed, letting his eyes fall shut too, his arms coming up to hold Remus tightly against his chest.  _ Stay, stay here, stay with me _ , he thought, over and over, his own personal mantra.  _ Please stay _ .

Sirius couldn’t tell how much time had passed when Remus’ lifted his head to peer at the clock, grimacing and shooting Sirius an apologetic look, while his hand resumed his soft stroking on Sirius’ cheek. Sirius hadn’t noticed he’d stopped.

“I have class,” he breathed, bowing his head forward and pressing his lips to Sirius’, just a second, a short peck. Sirius, surprising himself, whined in protest and grabbed at the back of Remus’ neck and brought his head back down, pressing their mouths together again and moving his lips against Remus’. Remus moaned softly and kissed back, his hand pressing harder on his cheek and his tongue swiping once against Sirius’ lower lip, a question, a request. Sirius indulged him, opening his mouth for him,  _ his heart _ , genuinely enjoying himself, his mind stuck on  _ I love you, I love you, I love you _ . 

Warm and content, they kissed for a while, Remus eventually pulling away, breathless and flushed, pushing himself off of Sirius, telling him to  _ stop it, I’ll be late, and you have work too, you fuck _ . Sirius just smiled fondly at him and got up too, and the two of them got dressed between kisses, smiling at each other, their coffees cold and long-forgotten on Remus’ nightstand.  _ Why can’t it always be like this? _ Sirius thought. Why did sex, and hard-ons, and stupid  _ hormones _ had to always get in the way?

They parted ways at the bus stop two blocks from Remus’ building, Remus staying to catch the eight-thirty bus to his University, and Sirius taking the ten-minute walk to the coffee shop where he worked.

“Come over tonight, hm?” was whispered against Sirius’ mouth, both of them unaffected by the public display of affection. Remus pulled back after asking, eyes pleading and warm with love, as if Sirius could say no to him.

“Of course,” he nodded, just as the bus approached them, placing one more kiss on Remus’ lips and nudging him towards it.

Remus got on the bus and Sirius watched as it drove away, heading to work once he couldn’t see it anymore, the promise of seeing each other again in the evening somehow keeping his mood both lighthearted and twitchy.


	3. part iii

The coffee shop had been quiet. They had gotten ten customers at most throughout Sirius’ whole shift. The coffee shop had been quiet which meant his mind hadn’t, but it was okay. Sirius had learned early on how to redirect his mind when the absence of outside stimuli became too evident. 

First, he thought about Remus, naturally. He willed his mind to stay away from Remus’ flat, or Remus’ bed, and everything of the sort. That wouldn’t help at all. Instead, he thought about Remus at school. Remus in his classes, taking notes, getting that special glint in his eyes that always appeared when he was particularly invested in something. He thought about Remus in the future, still in a class, but being the one in the front now. Remus teaching, talking passionately and taking every person in the room’s attention, doing what he was born to do, what Sirius knew made him so, so happy.

His mind strayed to other subjects then, none more important than Remus, but he let the thoughts flow, not staying on a particular one more than strictly necessary, keeping himself sufficiently distracted. Soon enough, his shift was over and Sirius found himself heading towards his flat to get a change of clothes, and to gather a few of his things. Remus wouldn’t be home yet, his classes running a little longer than his own shift, but that didn’t stop Sirius from letting himself into the other’s flat and cozying up on the couch, a book and a mug of tea his only companions.

So engrossed was he in his book, that he never heard Remus’ arrival. A hand on his shoulder nearly gave him a heart attack, the book flying from his grasp, and he turned to see Remus doubled over in laughter, his eyes crinkling adorably.

“So-sorry,” he managed, trying to take deep breaths, as Sirius scowled at him. Once he had successfully calmed down, he picked up Sirius’ book and sat on the coffee table. “I called out for you, though.”

“Yes, well,” Sirius started, trying and failing to appear composed and not like he had almost jumped out of his fucking skin. “I clearly didn’t hear you.”

Remus just rolled his eyes and stood back up. “I thought we could have yesterday’s leftovers for dinner?”

“Mhm, yes. I’ll find something to watch?” he asked, stretching to grasp the remote. Remus nodded and retreated to the kitchen, presumably to heat up the food. Sirius sat up with his legs crossed, turning the telly on, and started browsing.

They ended up watching reruns of Friends, neither of them in the mood to follow any kind of complicated plot. Their food was long gone, and they both ended up sprawled on the sofa, Remus’ head on Sirius’ chest, Sirius’ fingers softly running back and forth through Remus’ hair. Sirius wasn’t even looking at the screen, too preoccupied with Remus’ reactions- his huffed out laughter after every punchline; his little eye rolls, paired with his teeth biting on his bottom lip when a character did something stupid; his barely-there frown and the slight pout of his mouth after a particularly sad scene,- and thinking just how fucking lucky he was.

“You’re not watching,” Remus mumbled, taping his index and middle finger twice on Sirius’ chest.

“I _am_.”

Remus rolled his eyes and looked up at him, his chin now resting on Sirius’ sternum. “ _No_ , you’re not. You’re watching _me_.”

Sirius grinned cheekily. “Well, _you_ didn’t specify.”

Rolling his eyes _again_ , Remus hoisted himself up by his elbows and pecked Sirius’ lips briefly. “Prat,” he murmured, before closing back the distance and kissing him more insistently. Sirius kissed back, _always_ , the hand that was in Remus’ hair angling his head up, deepening the kiss. Remus hummed against his mouth and tangled his fingers in Sirius’ inky locks, adjusting himself so that they were properly facing each other. As they kissed, Sirius’ mind buzzed with affection for the man on top of him. He wanted to give Remus everything, _anything_ , eagerly opening his mouth for Remus’ tongue, a perfect deja vu from earlier in the day, except now they had all the time in the world.

“I love you,” he panted, barely pulling away, wanting to feel as close to the other man as he could. Remus’ hand tightened in his hair and he sucked subtly on his bottom lip, making Sirius release a trembling sigh into the space between the two.

“ _Fuck_ , Sirius, me too, I love you, too.”

Pulling Remus back to him with the hand that was now on the back of his neck, their mouths securely back together, Sirius had a fleeting thought of _I am so okay with this_ , and then, _why was I so scared?_ That is, of course, until Remus pulled back again, pupils dilated, and whispered “Wanna go to bed?”

Taking a deep breath, Sirius willed his body not to stiffen, or run, or jump to conclusions, despite Remus’ tone not leaving much for interpretation. _It’s fine_ , he told himself, _he just wants us to go to bed so that we’re already there when we want to sleep, we’re just kissing_.

“Uh, y-yeah, yes,” he stammered, glad for his ability to stay calm when Remus grinned at him, lighting up the room. He was pulled to his feet by his hand and guided to Remus’ bedroom, where Remus kissed him hungrily before pushing him onto the unmade bed and straddling him.

Before he could usher another word Remus’ mouth was on his again, more desperate than it ever had been, Sirius barely keeping up with the pace he was setting. He felt Remus’ hands press along his chest and stomach, not hard enough to hurt, but still strong, just before his lips left Sirius’ and latched onto his neck. Agile hands found his jeans and did a quick work of unbuttoning them, pulling them down along with his underwear. _Fuck, what the fuck is happening, shit, fuck_ , Sirius thought, as Remus brushed his hand against his groin, his breath speeding up for all the wrong reasons, his eyes filling with tears. His heart was beating erratically, the heavy _thump, thump, thump_ of it pounding against his ribcage almost everything he could hear, along with a faint ringing in the back of his mind.

Remus wasn’t stopping, mistaking his ragged breaths for arousal, not noticing Sirius’ panicked state, as he continued to lick at Sirius’ neck, touch him between his legs, and Sirius couldn’t understand, _no, Remus wouldn’t do this, why is he doing this, no, please, stop, Remus, STOP_. Sirius wanted to leave, to yell, but his body wouldn’t listen and _why is Remus not stopping?_ Sirius felt his body going rigid, the air struggling to pass through his lungs and _oh_ , Remus was looking at him, eyes wide, and his mouth was moving but Sirius couldn’t hear him, the hammering of his heart was deafening him but he had to get _out, leave, run_.

His body responding again hit him like a ten feet wave, his hands pushing Remus away with all their might. Trembling fingers fumbled with his jeans as he pulled them back up and fled, his brain stuck on a never-ending loop of _run, leave, get safe_. He faintly heard Remus calling after him as he wiped the tears that he hadn’t realized were blurring his vision, but he ignored it, yanking the main door open and _running, running, running_. 

In no time Sirius found himself clumsily shoving his key into his door and stumbling inside. Tears were still freely running down his face and his mind felt foggy, unclear. He faintly heard the sound of the door slamming shut, and had half the mind to worry about upsetting his neighbors, the thought quickly forgotten when he stubbed his shoulder against the doorframe to his bedroom, cursed to himself, and made it to his bed on unsteady feet.

After a while- Sirius couldn’t have successfully guessed how much time had passed,- he felt surer in his body, present enough to breathe properly, and think about the whole ordeal. He had to, after all. For himself, yes, but more importantly for his main concern at the moment- Remus.

The thought of Remus made him wince, remembering the wide-eyed fear, the _hurt_ that was plastered on his face, clear as day. No, instead Sirius focused on himself, trying to pinpoint exactly where his brain had gone on overdrive, and, more importantly, _why._ There wasn’t a way of batting around it, not anymore, and he mentally chided himself to man the fuck up and address what he knew had set him off- sex.

Huffing an annoyed breath, he grabbed for his laptop and angrily logged in, figuring he might as well turn to the almighty internet for help. He watched the cursor blink at him mockingly for a beat, not knowing where the fuck to start. It didn’t help that Remus’ anguished face kept popping up in his mind, unpurposely hurrying him to find an answer.

Eventually, he decided to go with the basic thought that kept nagging him, and which he had been denying for God-knows how much time: _I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend?_

Sirius’ hope for an answer shot to the roof at the first headline, ‘ _It's OK If You Don't Want To Have Sex With Your Partner Right Now’,_ clicking on it with a swift move of his finger. They quickly plummeted down at the first few lines, when all it talked about was losing one's libido or your attraction for your partner. Sirius tried not to feel discouraged, telling himself it was only the first result, but he couldn’t help but think, _what if I’ve never had any fucking libido?_

That’s what he went with next, then, praying to any god that would listen for some type of resolve, as he typed ‘ _I don’t want to have sex ever?’_ and hit the enter key. He skimmed past an article of some angry woman talking about the proper usage of the word queer, thinking _what the fuck does this have to do with my thing?_ He clicked harshly at the little arrow in the top left corner to go back to the search page, and another headline piqued his interest. This one directed him to one of those websites people asked questions in, and random people answered.

He found himself presented with a flurry of questions just like his own, people asking if they were weird for not wanting sex, if it was a possible thing- if there was something _wrong_ with them. Upon reading this, he felt a strange wave of emotion surpass him, a feeling of not being alone, of not being a weird fuck who got icky about sex. The term _Asexuality_ was mentioned various times throughout the responses, so the next sensible step was to search exactly that.

_Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity._

Well, fuck him. It was a thing. It was actually something people acknowledged, something people were _proud_ of, not ashamed of. And fuck him if he didn’t burst out crying, relief flooding all of his senses, because there wasn’t anything _wrong_ with him, it was just who he _was._ How could that ever be a bad thing?


	4. part iv

Sirius startled awake to the sound of someone pounding on his door so hard that he thought they were quite close to tearing it down to shreds.

“Sirius Black!” he heard, and winced at the loudness of the voice, as well as its angry tone. “Open this fucking door!”

Cursing as he stubbed his toe on his dresser, he threw a t-shirt over his head and some sweatpants on, his head actively throbbing. He grumbled, making his way to the awful sound, wanting it to stop- for it wasn’t doing his dreadful headache any favors,- and threw the door open.

Regret flowed through him as soon as he did so, coming face to face to a positively  _ fuming _ Lily Evans. She barreled past him and into his flat, turning around when he dumbfoundedly closed the door, jabbing her index finger at his chest irately. Eyes wide, Sirius opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it at the look that was directed at him.

“I just want you to tell me,” she seethed, “why the  _ fuck _ did you run out on Remus, of all people.” 

_ Fuck. _ Sirius was fully prepared to stare at her, baffled, but she didn’t acknowledge his reaction, presumably too pissed off with him to let him talk. “If you’re done with him and don’t have the balls to tell him  _ to his face, _ so help me God I will fucking maim you,” she threatened.

That brought words to his mouth. “ _ What? _ ” he spluttered, looking at her incredulously. “ _ How _ could I be done with him?”

“Well, I don’t know. You tell me since I’ve just left his, after watching him fall apart all night trying to figure you out, you fucking  _ git. _ ”

“Fuck,” he groaned, running his hands through his face.

“My, Sirius, is that all you have to say on the matter?” she glowered.

Well, he hadn’t planned on it, but upon seeing her absolute _ fury _ directed at him, Sirius figured his best bet was to tell her what had come to his knowledge as of the night before. He gestured for her to follow him to his bedroom, sitting cross-legged on his bed and directing his laptop screen at her, which was still displaying the website he had been browsing about asexuality. Lily frowned but sat on the bed too, adjusting the screen so that she could read, and Sirius watched as understanding dawned on her face, before she looked up and leveled him with an apologetic look.

“Oh, Sirius.”

Sirius shrugged and figured he should talk now. “I obviously didn’t know until last night. I’ve always been… let’s say, indifferent about sex, didn’t really see the point. And somewhere along the line, it became something akin to an obligation? Or rather something that was expected of me,” he sighed, and stared at his hands. “And yesterday, with Remus, well… Everything kind of went to shit. I just remember snogging, and then I think he tried to take it further and I fucking lost it. Panicked. All I remember is I  _ had _ to get out of there.”

“God, I’m so sorry, Sirius. And then I come here almost about to murder you, fuck,” Lily interjected. Sirius looked up to her at that, seeing pure regret clouding her big, green eyes, and shrugged again.

“It’s okay, Lil. He must be wrecked. I know I would be. But I was so exhausted, I came straight here and when I calmed the fuck down I started looking up some of this shit because I had to find some kind of answer. Finding this, though… it felt so liberating, you know?” he murmured, and Lily nodded. “I’ll call him. I know I need to talk to him, but I’m so fucking  _ terrified.  _ He clearly wants sex, last night is as plain an example as I’m going to get. And he didn’t sign up for any of this-”

“Stop,” she said, placing a placating hand on his knee to stop his rambling. “Give him a chance, would you? That boy loves you so fucking much. I really don’t think he’s going to dump you over this.”

“Of course he won’t, he’s the nicest person in the fucking country. He’s just going to stay with me and suffer through it all.”

“Sirius, oh my god. No. Just- no.” she insisted. “I’m going to stay out of it because it’s not really my business, okay? But I’m not going to leave until you call him so that you can explain.”

Sirius went to argue but she beat him to it, raising her palm in between them. “Whatever you think will happen, it won’t be worse than him suffering alone in his flat and you wondering what-ifs here. So. Call him.”

“Okay, mum.”

Lily just rolled her eyes and located his phone, taking his hand and closing his fingers around it. “Tell him to come over. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” she smiled, patting his shoulder softly and leaving the room.

A long breath left his mouth as he stared at his phone for a few minutes.  _ Fuck this so much,  _ he thought. He clicked the side button and cringed when he saw six missed calls from Remus, and he almost locked the phone again, but he reminded himself that Lily would probably call Remus herself if he didn’t do it, and sock him in the face in the process. Taking a deep breath, be tapped on Remus’ name, and held the phone to his ear.

“Sirius?” Remus answered on the second ring as if he’d been waiting for him to call. He probably had. The sorrow in his voice was laced with a hint of hope, and it tore Sirius in half. He cleared his throat before speaking.

“Hey, Re.”

“God-  _ hi, _ hi. Are you okay, what happened?” he blurted, his concerned tone bleeding through the speaker and making Sirius’ already swollen eyes well up.

“Come over? Please. I’ll- I’ll explain everything.”

“Wh- yeah, okay. I’ll be there in ten?”

Sirius nodded uselessly, clearing his throat yet again. “Yes.”

“I love you,” Remus whispered, and Sirius couldn’t hold back his tears no more. He hoped Remus would still want to say that to him after everything was out in the open.

“Me, too. See you soon, Re,” he managed to say, and he quickly hung up, just in time for a sob to wreck through his body.

Lily appeared in the doorway and, upon seeing his state, hurried to hug him tightly. Her hands ran up and down soothingly on his back, consoling him until he could breathe a little calmer.

“What did he say?”

“He’s coming over now,” he said.

“Oh. I have a good feeling about this, Sirius. Trust me?” she smiled softly.

Sirius looked into her eyes and gave her his best attempt of a smile back. “I’ll try.”

“Atta boy. I’ll get going now, yeah? You got this,” she pinched his cheek lightly, and then she was gone, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Remus didn’t take much longer after that. Sirius startled when he heard him knocking softly on the door, almost as if he was afraid. In a way, Sirius understood, his movements stiff and slow as he made his way to open it.

“Hey,” he said warily, stepping aside to let Remus in. His boyfriend-  _ would he still be able to call Remus that after today? _ \- nodded and looked at him timidly before cautiously walking inside, and Sirius just wanted to embrace him and never let him go but restrained himself. They had to talk first.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted and Remus looked up sharply at that.

“I… I just don’t understand,” he stammered. “I don’t- Did I do something wrong?”

Sirius shook his head profusely, not wanting Remus to bring himself down. “No, no,” he said, but he thought better of it. “Well… yes, but you couldn’t have known.”

A look of confusion flashed through Remus’ pained eyes and Sirius felt like complete shit. “... Okay?”

“Let’s just- fuck, let’s sit?” he gestured to the sofa, relieved when Remus’ did so. “Okay, well, here it goes,” he took a deep breath. “I’m…  _ asexual, _ ” he whispered the last part, nervously watching Remus’ reaction. 

The confused frown was still etched on his face. “What?”

“Asexual,” Sirius repeated, clearer this time, exasperated when Remus’ face still didn’t change. “Let me just- wait here okay?” he babbled, getting up to fetch his laptop, figuring that showing Remus what he had read would help him understand. “Here,” he said, shoving the screen on Remus’ face.

Taking the laptop, Remus took his time reading the website and clicking on the various links it provided, his eyes growing glossier and glossier and  _ fucking hell _ , Sirius didn’t know what that meant.

When he finally looked up, setting the laptop aside, he was full-on crying. He reached for Sirius’ hand and squeezed it tightly, his eyes pleading. “ _ Fuck, _ Sirius, I’m  _ so sorry, _ I didn’t know, I’m so, so sorry,” he cried, clutching Sirius’ hand like a lifeline. Sirius couldn’t take him looking like that, always,  _ always, _ wanting to erase everything that could cause him any harm.

“No, Re, baby-” he cut himself off at Remus’ sharp intake of breath. “It’s not your fault. I didn’t even know until yesterday, yeah?” he pleaded, taking Remus’ face in his hands and wiping softly at the tears that were running freely down his cheeks. “I kept ignoring it, thinking I could push through my uneasiness, and yesterday everything blew up and I-” he yelped when Remus pulled him sharply into a hug, burying his face in Sirius’ chest. “I understand if you don’t want to deal with it,” he finished in a whisper.

Remus pulled back just enough to look him in the eye with determined eyes. “ _ No, _ Sirius, oh my god, I love you so much. This changes absolutely _ nothing, _ it doesn’t.”

Sirius’ face bloomed into an ear-splitting grin. “Yeah? I’m alright with kissing and stuff most of the time, I think it’s just sex that-”

“Sirius. I fell in love with you long before we started kissing. You’re still  _ you. _ This is just a part of it. I obviously like kissing you-  _ more than like. _ But if it comes to a point where you don’t even want to do that, you just have to say. I’ll love you the same,” he smiled.

It was Sirius’ turn to cry, clutching Remus to himself so,  _ so _ fiercely, and peppering tiny kisses all over his face, making the other laugh. “God, I love you,” he mused.

Remus smiled and kissed his lips softly. “I love you, too.”

Just then they heard a crash at Sirius’ door and a second later a frantic James came bustling in, followed by an annoyed- but fond,- Lily. “ _ Sirius! _ Mate, I’m so sorry-” he started.

Sirius and Remus both laughed and looked at each other. They would keep talking later and sorting themselves out. But they knew, everything was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> There are a few scenes I had to cut because I didn't have enough time to properly write and edit them, but _oh well._ I still liked how it turned out :)
> 
> I feel like the ending's a bit lazy but I'm shit at finishing stuff, so it is what it is :)
> 
> Thank you, again <3
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @[accioxmarauders](http://accioxmarauders.tumblr.com/)
> 
> xxxx


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